John Mulaney Vows to Fight Three 14-Year-Old Boys in the Season Finale of ‘Everybody’s Live with John Mulaney’

John Mulaney once said that 13-year-olds are the meanest and most terrifying people in the world, which is probably why he waited a year to get three of them in the octagon.

On tonight’s episode of Conan O’Brien, did so many decades ago, Mulaney announced his intention to test the limits of Netflix’s legal department and settle a “Who would win?” hypothetical that popped up in his writers’ room, thanks to a similar debate that continues to rage across the internet.

Inspired by the ongoing Twitter war over the question of whether 100 human men could beat a single silverback gorilla in a fight to the death, Mulaney’s writers recently debated whether three high school freshman boys could beat up their boss in a fight. In Mulaney’s closing monologue from tonight’s episode of Everbody's Live, the host teased the topic of discussion for the season finale on May 28th: teen’s issues. 

Specifically, the show will tackle three teens’ issue of deciding which limb they’ll tear off of Mulaney first:

With all due respect to Mulaney, his dedication to the bit and his six-foot stature, Mulaney is going to run into a few problems if he decides to follow through with this challenge. Notwithstanding whatever legal or moral issues Mulaney’s challenge may pose to both him and Netflix, Mulaney’s open invitation to the parental guardians of teenage boys everywhere will suffer from some serious selection bias — only the most reckless of parents would ever volunteer their precious child to square off with a grown man on television, and only the most angry and violent teenagers would ever agree to it.

Personally, I don’t think Mulaney will come anywhere close to actually fighting three definitely troubled youths in hand-to-hand combat live on streaming. Even if Everybody's Live finds the right candidates, and assuming that the objectively insane challenge es every legal test, having an adult try to physically harm literal children will be so sad, upsetting and uncomfortable that it would spell the end of the Netflix show, as well as Mulaney’s dreams of ever one-upping Late Night.

But, if Mulaney somehow does manage to fight in the world’s most pathetic and career-ending celebrity boxing match, I think he’ll find that 42-year-old recovering drug addicts have a natural predator in aggressive teenagers who are one right hook away from their own Wikipedia page.